You Can Call Her Joy, Just Don’t Call Her Subordinate
Part 4 in the ‘Christmas Presents’ series
Mrs. Claus in a quiet moment at her North Pole digs. /Photo by Santa’s mother-in-law.
Her husband gets all the attention, he’s the media darling. The Christmas Presents team thought it would be cheery, not to mention precedent setting, to let Mrs. Claus get a word in edgewise. So here it is. Scoop by Scribbler-at-large Joe Barkovich with help from Bill and Sherry Vigars
1. After all these years existing in the background – your name is never in bright lights if you know what I mean – are you tired of being the second banana?
I may have to speak to my husband before I answer this one. Not that I need his opinion but I want to find out where he is going to be in “bright lights” and who he is with! He only leaves here to go to the mall and then once a year, he’s out all night. He’s supposed to be “delivering toys to good boys and girls.” What do you know that you’re not telling me, Joe? Is he stepping out into some fancy dancy greasy spoons on Christmas Eve? Hmmm, now that I think about it, more than once he’s returned with the smell of liver on his breath! Santa loves liver and onions but Mrs. Claus does not allow him to cook it in the house so he must be getting it somewhere else!.
2. Mrs. Claus, people don’t even know your first name. What is it?
Well for many years I thought it was cute the elves called me Cookie, but about 200 or so years ago I realized they were just asking me for cookies. My first name is Joy, full maiden name is Joy X. Noel, the X is for Xena, as in the heroine.
3. Does the jolly fat man ever tease you about being, well, a subordinate Claus? Get it…. subordinate Claus? How do you cope with that, Mrs. Claus?
Joey, I love him dearly, excellent in delivery logistics and time management with the teams, both elf and deer, but I must say, grammar is not his forte. HO HO HO, come on, really. For hundreds of years, it’s the same old shtick. Everyone here at the North Pole has a role to play, so Nick knows not to try and be a smarty pants with me. Subordinate Claus??? I’ve half a mind to tell the elves a piece of coal goes into your stocking, young man!
4. What’s the hardest part of your job at the North Pole?
By and large it is wonderful year-round. After the Christmas rush the elves get a little bored as Santa gives them time off to enjoy the winter weather. I must say the most unpleasant thing I have to do is trudge out into the yard at least once a week with a pot of very warm water to pour on the metal North Pole that one of the elves has taken the dare to lick with his tongue. It was funny the first few times but I’ve grown weary having to put on boots and coat and go out in a snow storm. We still get a great deal of snow here Joe, but with global warming it’s not what it used to be.
5. Maybe this will be a world-wide scoop: Have you ever gone out with Santa to deliver toys to the boys and girls? Are you even allowed to comment on something so sensitive?
364 days of the year I deal with my lovely husband and an army of elves. Christmas Eve, the elves have their own party and I have a chance to put my feet up, pour an egg nog with a dash of nutmeg and my Woman’s World. Christmas Eve, the dinner is ready for the next day and I take a little time to myself. Here’s the scoop, Joe: women like alone time! Take note, it helps keep the marriage fresh.
6. Another insider scoop: Does he use a GPS while making his rounds?
The old boy got a GPS from the elves a few years ago. For days his ego was telling him it meant ‘GREAT PRESENTS SANTA’. Like I said Joe, we all have our strengths. Every year he lets Rudolph lead the way, he don’t mess with a sure thing, you know how technology can be. Double vaxxed and now with the booster (he qualified very early as a really, really, really old senior) but he still wears a mask on his rounds. The chill in the air causes his glasses to fog up, a minor inconvenience, but better safe than sorry.
7. What’s your favourite Christmas Eve memory?
Finding a new recipe for Christmas pudding in the 1945 edition of Cooking With Electricity. The new solar panel had been delivered (did I tell you things happen in Santa Land long before reality?). Up until then we used gas, created by methane, thanks to the reindeer. Complicated scientific process that I am sure you and most folks understand. Oh yes, one more. The year Christ was born. We were in the early years of delivering presents and Santa decided to take the year off as three fine gentlemen had undertaken delivering gifts to the most important child of that and every year since.
8. What’s your favourite all-time present from Santa?
Oven gloves. The dish towels were just not cutting it. Needless to say, I love to cook for my husband and the elves. Nothing pleases me more than to see the satisfied looks on their faces after a good feed of liver and onions – Christmas season is the one time of year I serve it! But the very best gift, I receive it every year, every day: his smile, his love and a peck on the cheek just before we go to bed.
9. Are you worried about global warming? What is it doing to your neighbourhood?
It does have us worried. We see troubles around the world caused by mankind not treating Mother Earth the way it should. Santa and I have noticed the weather here has changed over the years. The snow and freezing temperatures don’t arrive as expected. There is not enough ice for the New Year’s Penguin Plunge and the elves’ toboggan parties have been delayed several times. It’s very worrisome to everyone at the North Pole.
10. What do we have to do to stop global warming?
Everyone can help limit climate change. From the way we travel, to the electricity we use and the food we eat, we can make a difference. I am not a scientist, and people have to start listening to scientific facts. Facts that are not something you read posted by your friend on Facebook that they heard from their third cousin.
11. Do you wear masks because of Covid up in the North Pole?
We have never had an outside visitor at the North Pole. Never, so the virus has not been an issue here. Santa does wear a mask when visiting malls or taking part in parades, but we have been fortunate living in a make-believe world. Covid, unfortunately, is not make believe, so once again, listen to what scientific knowledge tells us. I remember over 70 years ago polio was rampant and a vaccine was developed to rid the world of that disease by and large. Today presents the same situation. Good boys and girls listen, read reputable newspapers and get their shots.
12. What about you, Santa and the elves – have you been vaccinated?
Of course. Although we have no human visitors, the odd, and I mean odd, penguin or two have disappeared for weeks on jaunts south. Amazing how a tuxedo will get you into so many places!! We don’t take a chance when they show up back in the north.
13. What advice do you have for boys and girls around the world about vaccinations?
Don’t be afraid. It’s really important that kids understand that what you’re doing for them is designed to help keep them healthy and safe. Getting vaccinated is the best way for them to be able to return to the activities and experiences they miss most, like school, extracurricular activities, summer camp and vacations. It’s also the only way to protect mom, dad, grandma and grandpa.
14. What do you want to receive more than anything else this year?
A new wig? Just dreaming. Mrs. Claus is not hard to please, I’m jolly just like Santa all year round. I always worry until Santa is back home safely after his journey. I worry about the many children around the world who go hungry every night. I really wish mankind could find a solution. Peace in every household, someone to love, someone to care for… my wish is not for me, but for the world.
Last in the Christmas Presents series: A Friend’s 2021 Christmas Card. Publication: Friday, December 24.
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